M.I.A. Read online

  Seth shook his head, and after a few seconds let out a chuckle.

  “Lady, you’re crazier than a shit house mouse, you know that?”

  “Did you come up with that yourself?” Jane asked. “Or hear it off one of the old westerns your dad likes to watch so much.”

  Seth grinned.

  “Heard it on the television. One of my dad’s old westerns. But anyway, how about I hop in your car and we go for a ride.”

  Seth jumped in the passenger seat and told her to drive around the block. At first Jane thought that Seth was going to have her drive him to some seedy area of town to pick up some “dope” from a drug dealer. Or at least that was what she kind of wanted to have happen. Something had gotten into her today and she wanted some adventure pretty badly. She wanted to go far outside her comfort zone just to see what was out there. But instead of having her drive to some bad part of town, Seth had her drive around the block and pulled a bag out of his backpack. It wasn’t exactly the salacious experience she had been hoping for, but it was a lot quicker and easier. She paid Seth and dropped him off at his house.

  “Seth,” Jane said before pulling away. “What do you want to be when you grow up.”

  “Fuck, I don’t know,” Seth said. “Who the fuck wants to be anything?”

  It was Jane’s turn to laugh as she drove away. Seth was a good kid with a good heart, but she had the feeling that he wasn’t going to like the real world when he got out into it. So many of the punk rocker, skater types had a really hard time when they got out into the real world and their parents weren’t there to keep them afloat. But those thoughts all went to vapor in the wind when she pulled into her driveway and saw Brian’s car there waiting for her.

  “Hey!” she said as she walked inside.

  Brian was on the couch watching baseball.

  “Well hello,” Brian said. “You look ornery today. What’s gotten into you?”

  In reply Jane held up the bag of weed. Brian took one look and burst into laughter.

  “Wow, I didn’t think you would ever go through with it!”

  “Well, I did. I just participated in my first drug deal. Here, take this smelly stuff and roll me a big spliff!”

  Brian laughed.

  “Where are your rolling papers, smarty-pants? You know we don’t need that stuff,” he said. “I know what you’re trying to achieve and we can do it a different way.”

  Jane felt herself go weak in the knees. Was it that feeling of yearning that she’d tried to keep hidden from herself? She had needs, but much, much more than that she had feelings for Brian. Kyle was gone. She knew that, and had known it since the day she heard the news. There was no way he survived that attack. She’d watched parts of it on the news and on the internet.

  Brian walked across the room with big strides and took her in his arms, looked deep into her eyes, and gave her a long passionate kiss. It was like a dam had broken between them, and they gushed into each other. Clothes were ripped partly off their bodies and dragged on the floor as they stumbled to the bedroom. Neither of them was shy because there was no shame, just two people that had finally found each other after all this time. It was something beautiful that they had, and both of them knew it. There wasn’t any cloud that hung around as if they should feel guilty. Kyle would have wanted this, really. He would have wanted them both to be happy, and if that meant they ended up together, then so be it. He wouldn’t have begrudged them this.

  They fell on the bed in a tangle of limbs, and Brian’s lips found her breasts. He kissed them like she was made of something sweet and precious at the same time. Jane ran her hands all over Brian’s hard body, caressing his flanks before she slipped down his boxers to reveal his rock-hard member. She took it in her hand and stroked it, marveling at how large it was, it was bigger than Kyle’s.

  They both flipped around so that Brian was on top of her, while she still had a hold of his erection. There was electricity in the air while she stroked him. Jane could have sworn she felt it crackle and hum through her as she felt her body become aroused and ready for his cock. Lovemaking was something that rarely happened for the first time with a new partner, so this was something very special to both of them. There wasn’t any fumbling around for words or parts, just the smooth, slow sureness of two adults who want it more than anything.

  She loved the taste of his lips, and the feeling of his fingertips as they moved up and down her breasts, teasing her ribs, and cupping her breasts. As Brian got ready to move in her Jane realized that this was that happiest she’d been since her husband had been killed fighting overseas. She was glad that she wasn’t letting the rest of her life be ruined by something that she had had no control over. She was glad that there was someone like Brian here who understood.

  As Brian inched slowly forward into her, her breath caught in her throat. It felt so good, and so right all at the same time. She could tell by the way that Brian was trembling that he felt the same way, and that he also wasn’t going to last very long. That was all right by her, though, because she knew that she was so fired up it wouldn’t take long at all. She felt so giddy as Brian moved into her. She thought for a moment of her long-time boyfriend in high school and how they had made love in his room after prom while his parents pretended not to know. That was how she felt now, Brian’s tempo picking up so that her hands clawed and squeezed him, so that she nipped at his throat and cooed in his ear.

  As they moved together each knew the other was getting closer and closer. Jane arched her back as an orgasm shot through her like an electrified tidal wave. It was a good one, the kind that gives no warning and arrives in all their warm splendor all at once. Jane’s eyes remained halfway shut, but she could see was how big Brian’s eyes had become. It didn’t look like he was going to be able to hold out much longer. And then she felt his body contract in a state of complete rapture as he filled her with his seed.

  Afterward, they remained in each other’s arms for a long time. And not just twenty minutes, but hours, as if they wanted to go back and do it again anew, not just do it again. Jane was so turned on that she knew if Brian had wanted to, she would have been all for it. That would come later, another day, Jane was sure of that much. So, there was no rush, none at all.

  Chapter 7

  The next few weeks they saw each other very little. Brian had to be called out to clean up a small chemical spill at a factory a few towns away. It was a shitty job, and so remote that there wasn’t any cell service. While he was gone, Jane wasn’t able to talk with him on the phone, or even text him. So, she waited for him. While she waited, she surfed the web looking for any sign that Kyle might still be alive, but only found proof to the contrary. This had become a habit for her. So, when Brian finally called her and said he was coming back she told him to come over. And he did.

  But they didn’t make love again. This time they just sat and talked, holding hands and looking at each other like they were kids again. It was something that she felt in her heart so deeply there was no way around it.

  Over the next few weeks they spent nearly all their time together. Brian told her about the job and about how he’d been lowered down into huge vats to use a hose to suck out all the waste. Brian had made a bunch of money, but by the way he limped and cringed with pain in his shoulders, Jane knew that he had earned every penny. Eventually her boss called her and asked if she was ready to come to work. Jane thought about saying no, so she could keep hanging out with Brian, getting to know him better, but then Brian got a call to an another spill.

  They parted ways for a month or so, both of them throwing themselves into their work. It was something cathartic for both of them, Jane realized. She wasn’t the only one that had lost someone. Brian had lost his brother. And as much as their emotions were growing for each other, it was also important for them to have some space.

  When the time came for Brian to come back Jane suggested that they get away from it all and go to the Caribbean for a vacation. She let Brian handl
e all the details. Brian even offered to pay for it because of the huge bonus he’d received at the end of his last job.

  “I hope you know that we are about to have the time of our lives,” Brian told her while they packed before the trip. “The spot I picked isn’t all touristy, and it’s still friendly to people like us. We’ll be able to hire a guide and see a bunch of stuff that people that go to beaches and just get wasted can’t even dream of seeing.”

  Jane smiled at him, stopped what she was doing—taking his hand to pull him close.

  “I just want you to know that I’m the luckiest girl in the world,” Jane said. “And I can’t thank you enough for being part of my life!”

  Brian smiled so big she wondered if he wouldn’t float away, as if he’d become light with all of the life beaming from his eyes. That was how she felt too, and she never wanted it to end.

  When they got to the island they realized all they wanted to do was sit on the beach and talk to each other, but they still went on adventures. But the real adventure was exploring each other’s hearts, and seeing what they could find.

  Chapter 8

  Jane and Brian were having fun at their island getaway, but there seemed to be a shadow looming over them. While the island certainly offered escape from their ordinary lives, it didn’t offer them what they truly needed – an escape from themselves. Both of them still thought about Kyle. Or at least that was what Jane kept telling herself, when she would wake up confused, finding her asleep next to Brian. Not knowing where she was, or why he was next to her.

  It was like her brain didn’t want her to forget Kyle, as if it was its own entity, not wanting to let those memories go. “Maybe it’s as simple as that”, she reasoned. Maybe her mind was closer to the brink than she’d ever thought, and this was its way of letting her know that she needed to take a breather from love and men; that she needed to cool not just her heels, but her heart as well.

  Jane thought about bringing it up to Brian the next day, but he was so happy at breakfast, that she just didn’t have it in her to crush his smile. Jane had the feeling that he had the same feelings and concerns. She’d thought that heading to a tropical paradise would be enough to clear her mind of all the cobwebs, but that was not turning out to be the case. The webs weren’t going anywhere, and worse, there seemed to be something attracting her to them, as if her mind wanted her to see them from every angle—to really get to know what they were about.

  That night, after a day of forgetfulness, Jane tried again to sleep next to Brian, but she just couldn’t doze off. She tried everything from counting sheep to meditation. Nothing helped her, and instead she stared at the thatched ceiling in a state of insomnia so severe that her mind would not idle. Instead, it was as if she was being forced to think about Kyle, and how she and Brian had both declared him dead without seeing his body.

  That wasn’t to say that they hadn’t held out hope, though, and she tried to remind herself of that. They had both been pulling for Kyle in a big way, and for so long. It had been easy for his military buddies to hold onto hope because they were actually over there and could fight to find him; they could actually go out searching. She and Brian had never been given that opportunity. They’d also been told that it would be best if they not talk to the media, something they hadn’t planned on doing anyway. The request, which hadn’t been so much a request as a statement, had stung both of them deeply and really illustrated just how out of touch with everyone the government really was.

  How did they think it was fair to tell the two people closest to Kyle, to not talk about him with the media? Was it not their choice and prerogative to speak with a member of the media if they so desired? And what recourse did it leave them, if what they thought should be done, wasn’t in fact, being done?

  That had been Brian’s major gripe, she remembered, as she lay next to him; that the military had basically told them that they should keep their mouths shut. This had been something both of them struggled with, especially because it had happened right before they left for their trip, and neither had had time to process it.

  And now here she was, unable to sleep on this beautiful tropical island, after a day of fun in the sun with Brian. Things had certainly changed between them since they’d had sex. For one, they hadn’t had it again, not even after arriving on the island. As well, Brian had grown more quiet and elusive around her. It was enough to make Jane wonder about his doubts and fears about the situation. There was obviously something, or several things, in his thoughts that he wasn’t sharing with her. That was something that didn’t sit too well with Jane, especially since they needed each other now more than ever.

  Jane looked over at Brian sleeping beside her and wondered what he was thinking. As if her thoughts could wake him, he grew restless in his sleep, tossing and turning while muttering something to himself. He kept calling a name that she couldn’t make out, and his feet kept making little baby steps, as if he was trying to run after someone in his dream. Jane hoped that he wasn’t having another nightmare about Kyle. If he was, there was no way that she was going to be able to keep herself from bringing up the obvious with him—that they needed to talk.

  “KYLE!” Brian screamed, as he sat up straight in bed.

  Jane felt her stomach drop as she watched Brian pant and sweat, sitting up in the bed beside her. But when he turned to look at her, she feigned sleep, choosing to hide from the conversation. For a long time, she could feel Brian’s eyes on her, and so for a long time she pretended to sleep, until eventually she cracked her eye open just a little. She could see Brian looking forward, his gaze leveled where the horizon would have been, had it not been for the hut blocking it. Finally he slumped back down in the bed, his breathing slowed, and once again he was out.

  Only then did Jane open her eyes to look around, and it was then that she truly acknowledged what a coward she could be. She should have consoled Brian, and then they both could have had a very real talk about the future, and the past. But instead, she had pretended to be fast asleep.

  After not being able to sleep for another hour, Jane stood up and slipped out into the night, in the hopes of figuring things out under the stars. She sat down in the sand in her silk nightgown and dug her toes into the cold sand. It wasn’t long until she heard movement in the hut. Brian was coming to join her outside as she gazed at the horizon. Maybe they would finally be able to talk about what had just happened, and what was happening to them.

  “Hey,” Brian said. “It got cold in there without you by my side, so I figured I’d come out and see what’s up.”

  Jane took a moment to collect her thoughts, and while she waited for her mind to coalesce into speech, Brian sat down next to her on the sand, looking out over the ocean toward the same point on the horizon she was.

  “You know,” Jane said. “Not only did I never think that Kyle actually wouldn’t make it back, but when we ended up having sex, I never thought that I would regret it. And I wouldn’t say that I regret it as much as I just wish things were simpler, and that neither of us had to struggle with the uncertainty about Kyle consuming us.”

  Brian sighed, and hugged his knees to his chest. The night was warm, as was the breeze, so Jane knew he wasn’t balling up from the cold.

  “It’s almost like his memory is trying to pull me under sometimes,” Brian said. “In my dreams, I see him and I reach out to him, but he turns away. And then he runs, and he runs, and I try to catch him. But I never do. And that’s the worst part, I think—the pursuit that I know isn’t going to end with Kyle in my arms.”

  Jane nodded as he spoke, listening intently, she genuinely felt badly for him. Kyle was his brother after all, or had been, and now he was gone.

  “It’s strange, isn’t it, how we seem to have been denied an ending. Instead we got a story that doesn’t seem to end, that just goes on forever.”

  They both sat silently. Hearing nothing but the sound of the waves lazily lapping on the beach, and they both appreciated each oth
er for being able to sit there in nothing but naked silence. It was cathartic, and that was something they both needed.

  “I’m sorry I pretended to be asleep when you had a nightmare,” Jane said. “That was pretty shitty of me and I want you to know that I won’t do it again. I know that I should be there for you in times like that, just like you are here for me right now. It’s just hard for me because I know you are in a great deal of pain over the entire thing. And that’s normal to be in pain. I’m in pain. I just don’t know what to do, and that’s why I pretended I was asleep—not because I don’t care or anything, but because I’m scared too.”

  Brian took her hand and pulled her down onto the sand beside him. She snuggled up against him and they held each other. They both lost track of time until finally the sky lightened up with rose and violet colored hues as dawn started to break. They got up and made their way back to the small beach hut.

  This time they held each other as they both drifted off, and as they slept they hoped that they would be able to find some sort of peace from their torment in the morrow, or at least in the near future. There was just so much on the line for them, much more than just themselves as individuals, and they both knew it.

  As Jane drifted off to sleep she hoped for no dreams, and again that was what she got. She slept soundlessly, and when she woke it was to a new day full of promise.

  When the trip neared its close, both Jane and Brian marveled to each other about how crazy it was that they would be going back to the real world.

  Instead of dwelling over their return to the real world, they had gone scuba diving with multicolored schools of fish, and parasailing over the ocean’s waves. They’d sat by beach bonfires together and laughed with their new local friends; gotten drunk together and wandered the beaches; and held each other at night as they fell asleep. But they had never had another talk like that honest night on the beach.