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  Brian wasn’t so happy with the change in Jane, though. Within a few days, he reached out to her, only to find Jane flighty and flaking on their plans for no reason at all, except that she “forgot.” Jane could tell that Brian suspected that something was ‘off’ with her, so she invited him over to prove that everything was fine.

  At first, Brian was pretty put off by the pills and their many bottles. He pulled out his phone and gasped when he read about a few of them, but Jane was quick to put him at ease by assuring him that her doctor was a specialist and knew what he was doing.

  “I kind of want to see what it’s like,” Brian said. “You seem so calm now, like this whole thing isn’t affecting you at all. You do remember that not too long ago we were both informed that Kyle could be alive, in the country, and possibly trying to act as some kind of double agent, right?”

  Jane nodded and told him that she remembered, and that she still worried about it, but just not as much now. Now things seemed either much more under control, or just out of her hands so she didn’t have to fret, depending on what medicine she was on. She showed Brian how she took the pills after crushing them in a spoon and pouring them into a glass of wine, making one for herself and one for Brian. With a little bit of coaxing, he accepted the glass and sipped the wine.

  Within the hour, they were both on the couch and very relaxed. Jane had her head in his lap and Brian was playing with her hair. It felt good for both of them to float free of all the moments that made up time’s steady march and just be together. Soon Brian was running his hands all over Jane’s chest and she was smiling, occasionally leaning up to peck him on the lips with a kiss.

  Jane felt so good. She didn’t think about Kyle at all, or about how unfair it was that her life had changed forever when he’d gone missing. She didn’t think about how complicated it would be if he was alive, and how crazy it would be if he’d been someone turned to do ISIS’s bidding.

  All of that seemed like static on the television in another room as Brian kissed her, slipping his tongue in her mouth. They made out like they were teenagers for the better part of an hour, kissing each other in a way that was first coy in its conservation of tongue and lips, but slowly evolved to some really hot, passionate, and aggressive kissing.

  When they stumbled into the bedroom, hands undressing each other, they were so high on each other that there wasn’t anything else in the world that mattered. When Brian ran his fingertips down and then back up the curve of her thigh, she couldn’t believe how lucky she was, and the sensation of his touch sent shivers through her body. When he rolled her over onto her back and kissed his way to her most private of parts to tarry there with his tongue, she gave herself wholly to the feeling, arching her back and moaning as he pleasured her.

  Brian enjoyed the way she tasted, and loved kissing, sucking and pleasuring Jane. As her orgasm shook through her, he felt his cock grow as hard as it ever had been. He looked her in the eyes as he kissed up her stomach, then each breast, then closed his eyes as he kissed her sweet pink lips and slid his throbbing cock inside her. He began stroking back and forth with his hips as he stared into her eyes. They both were calm in a way that heightened the experience, as if reality had suddenly become overexposed by their senses. Jane felt better than she had in longer than she could remember—even better than when Kyle was still a part of her life.

  For a second, she felt a distant pang of guilt as she realized that she’d just admitted to herself that she was happier now than she’d been with Kyle, but then it hit her that it was like comparing apples and oranges. What she really felt was just pure happiness, and any effort to try to quantify it would just reduce what it really was—bliss. And if ignorance heightened bliss, then Jane was willing to be ignorant as she felt her first orgasm coming on. She held Brian close as elation and ecstasy coursed through her being.

  “Oh, Brian,” Jane said. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

  It was like she couldn’t say it enough, but she decided that those several times would have to suffice as her post orgasmic haze subsided. When her vision cleared and she could see Brian again she found herself looking at a man that was beaming with happiness.

  “I love you too,” Brian told her as his tempo picked up. “And I’m getting close. Oh, baby, I’m getting close. My God, you feel so good. I can’t believe how good you feel. Oh, baby!”

  Jane pulled him close again as his body clenched, then slowly relaxed, as if all his tension was unwinding inside of him.

  Afterward, they held each other close, knowing what had just happened between them was a tender and precious moment. As they drifted off to sleep, Jane stroked Brian’s hair, hoping that he wouldn’t be so absent like he had been the last few weeks.

  Just before she fell asleep, she wondered if it had really been him who had been absent the last few weeks. Maybe she just needed time to figure everything out, or so she told herself as she felt sleep creeping into her limbs. But what if there was something else going on that she was blind to? What if it was the medicine that had become a part of her day to day life?

  Soon enough sleep embraced Jane, and she didn’t dream this time. Instead, when she woke, she vaguely remembered hearing someone walking down a hallway from a long way away. She remembered that there hadn’t been any images, just the sound, and she also remembered trying to struggle out of bed to go and see who it was. But those were all just fragments of a bizarre dream memory, and Jane knew that it hadn’t been real. Perhaps it had been someone clomping down the sidewalk late at night in winter boots. Or perhaps it had all been in her head.

  As Brian said goodbye and she got ready for work, she decided not to worry about it. Last night had been really good—great, even. They had both needed it and wanted it at the same time, and they had both been there for each other. It was something rare and beautiful, and she remembered how they had both told each other they loved each other. She thought that much had been obvious before now, but on the drive to work doubt started to creep in.

  Was it really love, or was it two lonely, desperate, scared people taking solace in each other and not calling it what it really was? And could the drugs be playing into all of this somehow?

  Jane shook her head as she watched a few of her coworkers walk into work. She couldn’t deal with this kind of stuff when she was on the job. The response her coworkers had given to the new “old Jane” wasn’t something that she was willing to lose. Work had been great the past couple of weeks, and she wanted it to keep going that way. She didn’t want a bunch of pesky insecurities buzzing around her head the whole day while she tried to concentrate, do a good job, and be friendly.

  Feeling around for a small pill box in her glove compartment, she could feel her hands trembling. She hoped that something hadn’t happened to the pills that she’d left in the car in case of emergencies. And although she had already taken her daily morning dose, she found another dose in her hand and on the way to her mouth before she had time to think. She swallowed the pills with her spit and got out of her car.

  By the time she walked into work everything was right as rain; in fact, Jane had never felt so good at work before. Her entire day went by so fast and she loved every second of it. Not only did she love it, but so did everyone that worked with her. They told her as much over lunch break, talking about how happy they were for her that she was dealing with the tragedy so well. Jane nodded and smiled at the praise, quick to reassure everyone that the old Jane was indeed back and here to stay.

  Only after work, on the way to her new doctor’s office, did she think about how some of her coworkers had exchanged knowing looks. Or had they? She wasn’t sure at all now, and wondered if she was just being paranoid. Before walking into the doctor’s office, she popped another pill. When she walked out, it was with a handful of new prescriptions, some different from the last batch. Her doctor had told her how happy he was that she was seeing benefit from the drugs, and how that was what they were there for. He stres
sed that she was a widow grieving, and that the healing process might take more time than usual.

  Jane found herself on the couch staring at her television with a phone full of unanswered texts from Brian in her lap, she had no recollection of the drive home from the pharmacy, or getting home. At some point, she stopped trying to remember how she got there and just sat watching the television.

  “Jane, I’m worried about you,” Brian said. He’d dropped by the house unannounced, which wasn’t really his style at all. He seemed earnest and upset.

  Jane had just gotten off work to find him sitting in her kitchen, so she was still clear headed, although she couldn’t help but want to pop a couple of pills and drift off into the strange land of unfeeling where she’d been taking shelter recently.

  “After we slept together last time, I really hoped that we would be able to move closer together,” Brian said. “But instead, you’ve retreated further than ever into yourself. I understand that what is going on is super fucked up and being able to do nothing about it makes us both feel powerless, but you have to keep your head on straight or you’ll lose yourself in all of this. I don’t know if I can handle losing you after Kyle!”

  Brian started taking short, halting breaths as if he was going to cry. Jane didn’t think that was going to happen, so when tears started tumbling down his face she was surprised. “What is your doctor telling you about all of these pills anyway?” Brian asked.

  “He’s just telling me to use them as I need them and that no matter what, they’re not a permanent solution.”

  “And yet he keeps prescribing you them even though you’re clearly taking them at a crazy rate.”

  Jane stamped her foot on the kitchen’s tile floor and looked at Brian angrily.

  “What do you mean? How do you know what is too much? I’m within the bounds of what the bottles say to take, so I don’t know where you get off talking to me like I’m some kind of junkie,” Jane said, her eyes flashing. “You know what? I think that maybe you should go.”

  Brian’s mouth fell open and he crossed his arms.

  “You’re really going to kick me out when all I’m trying to do is look out for you?” Brian asked. “That doesn’t seem the least bit like bad judgment to you? Jane, I’m your friend and your lover. Do you remember that we told each other that we loved each other that night? Do you remember how amazing it was?”

  Jane nodded her head yes.

  “I remember,” she said. “And I still feel the same. But Brian, you have to understand that I’m going through a lot.”

  Brian lowered his head to stare at the tiles.

  “I do understand that,” he said. “I just wish that you would understand how this affects me as well. It isn’t just you this affects, and it has never been just you. I just wish you’d realize…”

  But Brian had trailed off without finishing. Jane considered prompting him to finish but then thought better of it. If Brian didn’t want to finish his thoughts to her, then there was probably good reason for that. She had been genuine when she’d said that she thought it was best for him to leave so they could continue the conversation another time. They were both too heated to be sure they’d be civil with each other.

  “You know what,” Brian said. “I’m angry and I’m going to say something I don’t mean. Just like you are stressed out and aren’t meaning to be rude right now. I’m just going to go before I say something I’ll regret.”

  He stood up and left silently, quietly closing the door behind him.

  Jane was left alone in the kitchen, wondering if she’d made the right decision. Without giving herself time to think about it, she went to the drawer where her medicine bottles were stored and with shaky hands popped open a couple bottles and swallowed the pills in one gulp. Quickly her mind settled, and almost instantly she started to un-feel everything that had just happened. Before she knew it, she was back in front of the television. She thought she heard someone knocking on the glass sliding door to her porch, but the sound seemed to come from far away, so she assumed it was coming from the neighbor’s house.

  When the hours had passed, she got up to get a glass of water before fixing a later dinner. She couldn’t believe what she saw on the glass sliding door. The words “I miss you,” were scratched into the frost.

  Jane walked over to the sliding door and looked through it to see the trail of tracks leading from and back to the small wooded area that bordered her property.

  Who in the world would go to all the trouble to walk through the woods just to leave her a message that said they missed her? Jane’s mind was moving with the slow clarity that she’d come to prize so much. Her hands traced the message left on the other side of the glass, then looked closely at the tiny letter. It was a K, and not just any K, but the kind of K that had the same flourish that Kyle used to put on all of his Ks.

  Jane wasn’t sure what to do. She started to shake like a leaf in the wind. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. There was no way that it could be Kyle. Kyle was gone now, and whoever the joker was that had left the message behind was a cruel monster.

  Jane broke down sobbing and sat crossed legged on the floor. Quickly, she pulled herself together and stood. She’d take a shower and then call the police about the message. Whoever had done this needed to be reported to the authorities for harassment. But when Jane returned to the kitchen after taking a long, hot shower, the message was gone. It looked as if someone had hurriedly smeared it into oblivion with a gloved hand. Only the bottom half of the tiny K was left behind, and even that was barely legible anymore.

  It was dark outside, and when Jane looked at the clock, it was much later than she had anticipated. Where had the time gone? Before turning in for the night, she texted Brian.

  I want you to know that I appreciate you for sticking this out with me. And I also want you to know that there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not thankful for you. I do love you, and I’m glad you’re in my life. Sweet dreams, xoxo.

  Her phone chimed almost immediately and Jane smiled as she read the text he sent back that preached how he was the lucky one, not her.

  When Jane looked at the glass door one last time before going to bed, everything was gone, and wiped clean without a smudge or smear. It made her wonder if it had been there at all. Maybe it had been her mind playing tricks on her.

  Jane put it all out of her mind as she went to bed and tried to sleep. The last nagging thought in her mind as she drifted off was of Kyle, and of where he could be—if he was, in fact, still alive.

  Chapter 12

  Jane looked at her reflection in the mirror as she applied her favorite coral lipstick. Brian had suggested that they ‘get back to basics’ and go on actual dates. Jane’s excitement was growing as Friday approached. It had been two weeks since they had been together and she was dying to see him. It seemed like they were wading back into the designs of a ‘could have been’ relationship to see if they could salvage it.

  It was a lot of pressure for Jane and for Brian. Not only were they struggling to define their relationship, the government had stepped up its surveillance. They were keeping track of all their movements, and it was no longer Mickey Mouse style. Now they were staying hidden, their presence only given away by clicks on the phone, and papers that had been rifled through and then not set back in their proper order.

  They were going to have a lot to talk about when they had their date. It was going to be a delicate dance between trying to keep the fire burning between them, and talking about their very unique situation. She hoped that the latter wouldn’t be a mood killer and that she could convince Brian to come over afterwards, because as she was learning again, a woman has needs.

  As the days of the week ticked by, they slowed to a crawl. But eventually it was the big date day and Jane was dressed to kill. She wore a black dress with a plunging neckline that showed off her ample bust. She’d curled her hair, which was naturally straight, but could hold some kink when enough heat and prod
uct were applied. When she looked in the mirror and did a little twirl to see how everything had come together, she was impressed with herself.

  The extra weight she’d put on when Kyle had first gone MIA in the Middle East was gone now. She hadn’t started working out or anything like that – it had just been a side effect of the drugs she was taking. At other points in her life this would have been something that Jane would have wanted, and even playfully called a miracle. But when she passed out at work a few weeks ago from low blood sugar, she knew that she had to figure her life out.

  When she pulled into the restaurant she saw Brian’s truck parked perfectly out front. He was the kind of guy that prided himself in parking, and in doing everything the right way. It was something that Jane loved about him. As she walked into the little mom and pop Italian place, she glanced through one of the windows to see Brian at his favorite table in the back. It was so like him to pick a table where he could put his back to a corner. There were a lot of habits that he still had from his time in the military.

  “Hey,” Jane said softly as she slid into the chair opposite from him. “How are you?”

  Brian was looking at her like it was the first time he’d seen her. She could see the want in his eyes and looked into their blue depth and smiled.

  “You look fucking amazing,” Brian said.

  Jane chortled in her drink, and tried not to shoot it out her nose. Brian started laughing with her, turning crimson, but not caring. They were having one of those moments that would be remembered by both of them for a long time. Jane felt like she was meeting an old lover, and realized that was what Brian was turning into. She just wanted to focus on the present moment and try to have the greatest time she could while they were out on the town.