M.I.A. Read online

  Jane took a deep breath.

  “So, how have you been?” she asked.

  “Swamped at work,” Brian said. “It’s not bad making money, but sometimes I just get tired of working all the time. How have you been? You look so amazing. You have to have started working out again!”

  Jane smiled sheepishly. She never felt this way around anyone. Usually when a male brought up her looks she felt empowered, not like she had her hand in the cookie jar. But when Brian brought them up she couldn’t help but feel like she was standing completely naked in front of him.

  “Actually,” Jane started, and then hesitated. Should she tell the truth? She plunged onward with her lie. “To be honest, some of my scripts were making me feel like I never wanted to eat. So I sat down and planned out how many meals I want to eat a day and when I will eat them.”

  Brian shifted in his seat. Jane could tell that something she’d said had landed really close to home with him. Maybe this was what he’d been so upset and standoffish about, the whole medicine thing. He’d not really said anything about it before, but it looked like he was mustering up the courage to do so now.

  “I’ve been thinking,” Brian said. “And I know this will be hard to hear, but I thin—”

  “Brian,” their waiter said apologetically. “Sorry if I’m interrupting, but I need to get your folks’ orders in before the rush. Brian, you’re a regular, so you know how busy it’s about to get. So, let’s get you kids started with something great. Should I put in your usual?”

  Brian nodded and smiled politely, and the waiter disappeared. Brian always ordered the same thing at this place, not because he was unwilling to try anything else on the menu, but because he’d tried everything.

  “I was just saying,” Brian continued. “That I think now would be a good time to assess what is going on with your meds. I was on some of them when I came back from deployment. I know how easy it can be to slide into a dependency and not know it’s happening. And then once you’re there I know how hard it can be to confront what’s going on. What I’m trying to say is that maybe it would be a good time to go to a real doctor and stop seeing the quack that you’re seeing now. I know that he writes whatever scripts you want, but that really isn’t the point, is it? Or it shouldn’t be, anyway. The point should be that you get help that is sustainable, and I would say also that it would be better for you if you didn’t go on a bunch of meds. I think you should transition off of them. Or maybe I’ve said too much.”

  When Brian finished his speech, he flushed, and settled back in his chair. Jane could tell that he’d been saving up those words for a long time, and that was why they’d come tumbling out. It was easy to forget that Brian was an intellectual guy, someone that had something to say on most subjects. She should have known that he had his own thoughts about what she was doing with drugs, and that he probably didn’t agree with how she was numbing her life away.

  “I … I’m not sure what to say,” Jane said. “I think you’re right, but I’m not sure if I’m ready. And yes, that’s probably not the most adult thing to say right now, but it’s the closest thing to the truth that I can come up with. Because the truth is hard, Brian. I still want Kyle back, but I want you too. The old Kyle is gone, whether he’s dead or not. I think we’ve both accepted that, and it’s time to move on with our lives—together.”

  Brian nodded as bread sticks were placed in front of them along with a bottle of Pinot Noir. The waiter presented the wine in silence. Brian took the compulsory sip and then nodded his approval. The waiter was quick to make himself scarce.

  “I think you’re right,” Brian said. “About it being time to move on and figure the rest of our lives out together. It wasn’t like it used to be months ago, when we were just figuring things out and still weren’t sure if Kyle was alive or gone or what. But now I’m nearly certain that there is no way that he’s still alive. And whatever the spooks—the intelligence people—think about him being in country, well, I think they were just trying to scare us. You have to keep in mind that they don’t care about us or our well-being, so they won’t hesitate to say whatever they need to say.”

  Another couple was seated at a table not far from them and they had to hush their conversation. That meant that while they could occasionally speak their minds, that it was always clipped and never what it really could have been. Jane couldn’t help but hope that Brian would want to come over and hang out at her place for a little bit. She wanted to talk with him more, and wasn’t ready to see him go. As their meal drew to a close she worked up the courage to ask him.

  “So,” she said. “What do you think about coming back to my place for a little bit?”

  Brian leaned back in his chair as he mulled it over. She knew that it would be a big deal if he came over, for both of them, even if nothing happened. They both wanted each other so badly, and it wasn’t something that was going to go away until they had each other again. But at the same time, she didn’t know if they were really ready to become intimate like they were before, simply because there were things they needed to work out before they could truly be close.

  Brian smiled and nodded yes to her. He tossed his napkin on the table and reached for her hand. When they got to her place he seemed stiff, like he didn’t really want to sit to close to her, and he drank more than he usually did.

  But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t enjoying his company. Brian was still the apple of her eye – it was just that she wished he was more relaxed. Jane was the kind of person that became anxious when people were drinking around her, and she also hated not drinking if someone else was getting drunk.

  But Jane didn’t want to drink. She just wanted to be less anxious, so she went back into her room and grabbed one of her long blue pills, the ones that had the little lines running across them so they could be easily broken into smaller portions. Jane tried to break off a small amount and the bottom half of the small pill shattered, scattering across the top of her nightstand.

  Jane cursed. Not knowing what else to do she snorted up what remained of the pill.

  “Where did you run off to?” Brian asked as she walked back into the kitchen.

  “Why do you even care?”

  She didn’t know why she’d been so short with him, especially when she could have said something, anything, else.

  Brian looked down into his drink and another surge of emotions coursed through Jane. Normally she would have said something cute and non-obtrusive to deflect the conversation. But she’d had every right to tell him off. Who was he to not see her for weeks, and then all of a sudden decide that he gets to walk back into her life and criticize her choices.

  But he looked so good. Jane felt her body respond to her wants, and she knew that she was going to act on them. To hell with Brian, and how he didn’t want things to get too involved. He did. He was just using excuses to delay the inevitable, and also as a safety net.

  Brian looked up from his drink and smiled at her. He was well on his way to being drunk, which meant he was in better spirits than before. Jane figured the best thing she could do was put a drink in her hand so that he wouldn’t hesitate to have another one, and maybe another after that.

  Jane fixed herself a gin and tonic, going weak on the booze because she’d just taken some medication. She didn’t want them to feed off each other too much.

  Jane didn’t think too much about it, or anything in particular, aside from her lust for Brian. She sipped her drink and sat next to him on the couch, subtly glancing down to the bulge in his jeans. She loved how well his pants and clothes fit him; they were tasteful, but obviously tailored to fit him in a way that showcased what he had to offer. Jane didn’t find it distasteful at all. On the contrary, she liked how he was conscious of his body image and how other people would perceive him.

  She downed the rest of her drink while he leaned over to rest his on the coffee table, she wasn’t trying to get drunk. It was just her way of getting rid of the drink without wasting it
. If there had been a plant nearby she’d have thrown the rest of it in the pot. She handed the empty glass to Brian, who put it next to his on the table. When they started making out like kids, she felt the world start to spin, but when he put his hand between her legs, adrenaline shot through her in a way that sobered her up and made her see the world more clearly—for a moment.

  Jane arched her back as Brian ran his fingers up and down her slit. It felt so good, and she was so turned on. At this moment, she thanked herself for foregoing underwear. She leaned back against the couch, arching her back to give him better access to her. Jane loved every second of it, and even pushed down on his hand with hers to intensify the pressure. It wasn’t something that she usually did, but now that she could feel the booze mixing with the pills, she knew that she’d have plenty of courage in the bedroom.

  She took Brian by the hand and led him to the bedroom. He looked like he couldn’t wait, and that was good, because Jane was far from through with him. It was a thrill to watch him undress, so she told him to do so in a commanding voice. A grin burst across his face as he slowly peeled out of his tight clothes. Jane told him to lie back on the bed while she did a little strip tease for him. She didn’t know where these ideas were coming from, but she loved it, and so did Brian.

  “I’ve never seen this side of you before,” he said. “I really love it.”

  “I figured you would,” Jane said.

  Jane felt amazing as they made love. The way Brian’s tongue felt running all over her body was something she never wanted to forget. His fingertips seemed to electrify as he trailed them over her skin. They made love like it was their first time again, pausing to stare into each other’s eyes, and really feel out where they both wanted it to go.

  When they were both close to climaxing, Jane was on top and she really bore down on Brian’s throbbing member while speeding up her rocking hips. It was such an amazing feeling to know that she was turning him on as much as he was turning her on. There was so much mutual attraction and so much tension, that when the orgasm rolled through her body, it nearly made her pass out.

  Afterwards, when they were clenched in each other’s arms and the adrenaline was wearing off, the room started to spin. She didn’t mind though, she didn’t feel that bad, and besides, curled up in Brian’s arms there wasn’t a thing in the world that could go wrong.

  The next morning when she woke up the sun was high in the sky, and Brian wasn’t in bed with her. She got up and didn’t feel great, but she’d manage. Jane took a long shower, and at the end of it she couldn’t help but retch up some bile that seemed to rise up of its own accord. She kept the noise down and spat it into the drain, then got dressed and ventured out of her room to look for Brian.

  Brian was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. The look on his face told her that he was going to bring up the meds again. She didn’t want to hear it, not right now, and stumbled over to the coffee pot to pour herself a big mug.

  “Did you know you passed out last night?” Brian said. “And I do mean that in the most literal sense – that you passed out, and not that you went to sleep. You were out so cold that I couldn’t wake you up at all. And then you threw up. Not a lot, just a little bit, like your stomach didn’t agree with about ten percent of what was in it.”

  Jane didn’t know what to say as she sat down from Brian across the table. There wasn’t much to say, expect that maybe she shouldn’t have finished that last drink.

  “Wow,” she said. “That could have been really bad. I’m glad you were there to look after me. I don’t drink anymore, but did last night because you were drinking and I didn’t want yo—”

  “So, this is my fault?” Brian asked. “You think that somehow I’m culpable in all of this? How can you possibly think that? It doesn’t even make sense! You are the one who has the problem, taking these pills that the doctor is throwing at you. And how much are you paying this guy, by the way? I mean, I’m sure your insurance covers it, but how much is he running up on their tab just so you can have all the ‘chill pills’ you need?”

  Jane didn’t know what to say. Her brain wasn’t working right yet because she hadn’t had coffee, and at the same time she felt a little hungover from the night before. There just wasn’t much that was going right at the moment, and it had everything to do with the side effects of the medication mixed with booze. She had been lucky that Brian was there to take care of her last night. Jane didn’t think that Brian was lying, that just wasn’t his style at all. But it would be his style to use the event to his advantage.

  But what was he thinking? Surely, he wasn’t trying to manipulate her; he was trying to help her! Brian was the only person she was close to, and if he said that she had a problem, then that was probably the truth, whether or not she wanted to admit it to herself.

  “You know what, Brian,” Jane said. “I think you might have a point about the drugs. I know we’ve been dancing around that word, but in the end, even though I’m using them to cope, I’m still using drugs. But I need something. This state doesn’t have medical marijuana, so the natural alternative is out of reach, at least for now, until the laws change.”

  Brian nodded his head, looking at her square in the eyes as if she were walking over coals, and doing so well. Jane realized that she was handling the situation with grace, and that was important. There wasn’t turmoil, just the final realization that yes, maybe she did have to lay off the pills for a minute. After all, the pills were only supposed to be a temporary fix. And right now, they were bringing her nothing but turmoil.

  Jane reached across the table to grab Brian’s hand.

  “I’ll get some help, all right?” she said.

  Brian nodded and looked like he was trying not to cry. Jane was emotional as well, but able to keep a lid on things. She didn’t want to break down in front of Brian, but she could feel her lower lip trembling.

  Before he left he gave her a big hug, and held her for a long time. She was glad that he was a part of her life, and that they had a connection where they could talk to each other like this. It meant a lot to her that he treated her like an equal, someone that he could be real with, and not have to sugar coat everything.

  When she was alone later that day, she broke down weeping. She couldn’t help but want to cry everywhere, as if she were having some kind of allergic reaction to life and sorrow. It lasted for about an hour, and during the worst of it she could barely breathe. She wondered why, at first, but then remembered that today was the first day of her chemical cleanse. Things were going to be tough, much tougher than she imagined.

  Jane knew she needed to clean up her act, just for a few days, to see how it went. She was going to do it – she was going to be strong, like she knew she could be. No more letting these pills lead her around by the nose. It was time to take control of her life.

  Chapter 13

  When Jane woke up the next day she’d forgotten entirely about her promise to wean herself off the pills. And it wasn’t that she remembered and then pushed it out of her mind because she didn’t want to deal with it, it was that she actually forgot. The season was turning to spring and that meant more people were in the dentist office—so she was really busy.

  By the time her day was over she realized that she’d already taken a few pills in order to get through the day, and now was the time to say no. She didn’t take anything else that night, and instead had a glass of wine. She felt sluggish and sleepy, as if she’d taken some kind of sedative. Her thoughts came and went, sometimes quickly, and other times slowly. It was hard for her to keep a grasp on things, so she just let her mind go wherever it wandered. She tried not to let it think about Kyle.

  When she looked at the clock and saw that time had pretty much stood still—she realized she was in trouble. She needed to get to sleep so that she didn’t just wallow in negative feelings, and allow destructive thought patterns to run rampant. But she tossed and turned in bed, even though she was queasy and exhausted. It was
as if there was no right way to position her body, nothing that would make her feel at ease. Jane hated the feeling, and knew it had to do with her detox attempt. She realized that it might not be as easy as just stopping cold turkey.

  Jane had quit smoking once, and that had taken a lot of will power on her part. It had been years ago, but looking back now that had been a cakewalk compared to this. Back then she’d just gone to the gas station and bought a roll of mini donuts along with a coffee every time she felt like she was going to break down and have a cigarette. But now that wasn’t an option, and she knew it. She knew that if she went down to the gas station, the only thing they had for her was booze, and that would be replacing one monkey on her back with a very similar monkey.

  She didn’t want to become a drunk again, something else she’d conquered in her life. In college, like most people, she’d drunk far too much. Luckily, she’d been able to get a handle on it after her counselor had sat her down and had a talk with her. People had been worried about her, the same way that Brian was worried about her now. It was only then that Jane noticed the pattern, she had an addictive personality.

  Jane wanted to text Brian to see what he was up to. She needed someone to talk to. However, she was afraid that he wouldn’t respond, and that silence would send her into a tailspin.

  Addiction must have been one of those things that irked Brian. Everyone had them, those things that they just can’t tolerate. Jane tried to think about what Kyle had told her about their family experiences to see if she could remember any history of addiction or abuse, but her mind failed her. When she tried to lower the bucket of her thoughts down memory’s well, she found that it never touched anything—just kept going forever. That was the real danger of the pills, the way that they could warp your sense of thought and make things seem like they were something they weren’t. If it was just physical withdrawal, then it wouldn’t be so bad. But it was a lot more than that.

  If only she could get her reeling mind under control, Jane thought. But as it stood now, she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to go without her pills. She didn’t want to look at it as a loss, though, or a step backward. She wanted to look at it as moderation. She needed to wean herself off of the stuff, not go cold turkey. She had been too gung ho the day before.